Underwater Read online

  In an instant, my world turned upside down

  Because of one incident, my life will never be the same

  Every day I struggled to breathe

  Every day I went through the motions

  I felt too much

  I was numb

  I was drowning

  I was lost inside the black

  So they made me go there

  I was already there, watching from the dark

  And then I met him

  And then I saw her

  He scared me to death

  She took my breath away

  He was darkness

  She was my light

  They whispered he can’t be touched

  She was the only one I could touch

  I couldn’t be with him, they needed me

  I fucking needed her

  So I told him I would be his friend

  I told her I would be her friend. For now.

  But I couldn’t resist him for long

  She finally realized that she’ll always be mine

  We were a hot mess

  We were the perfect kind of mess

  Then reality dawned on me

  Then my demons broke loose

  I was underwater, trying to break through to the surface

  I reached out my hand, trying to pull her to shore

  Could he really help me?

  Would she accept me, scars and all?

  This was us

  This was our story

  Dear Diary,

  Once upon a time there was a girl.

  Life wasn’t kind to her, but no matter what...she always landed on both feet. She lived her life with a smile and was grateful for being alive. She had everything… friends, family, support. But most importantly, she had her dad.

  Her precious, loving dad.

  They shared a bond so strong, they were inseparable.

  One day fate stepped into their lives and destroyed it. Her dad got cancer.

  At first, the girl treated his sickness like he had the flu. She couldn’t comprehend that he might be taken away from her. She lived in denial. Day after day, she dedicated all her time caring for him. No matter what he needed she was by his side.

  She could see him fading. His body submitting to the terrible sickness, and yet, she couldn’t believe God would be so cruel.

  But life sometimes has other plans for us.

  The cancer won, and her father died after a year and a half of intense battle. The day he left her, her life lost its meaning. She was sad and scared – scared of losing another loved one. She laughed sometimes, but would often feel guilty afterward. She also felt rage – so much rage.

  Until the girl took all that rage and turned it into a book.

  This is the girl’s story.

  My story.

  And it’s all for you, Dad.

  Even though you aren’t here to witness it in the flesh, I know you’re in heaven, sitting with the Angels, smiling down at me from above.

  I love you,

  Until we meet again…

  “From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven, and when two souls that are destined to be together find each other, the streams of light flow together and a single brighter light goes forth from that united being.”

  — The Baal Shem Tov

  “Your name is upon my tongue

  Your image is in my sight

  Your memory is in my heart

  Where can I send these words that I write?”

  — Rumi

  What a boring, boring day, the teenage boy thought to himself. It was winter break, and the boy had run out of things to keep him occupied. To say he was bored out of his mind would be an understatement.

  He exhaled a long breath and watched it spiral like smoke toward the sky in the cold air. Sitting on the front steps of his house, hands in the pockets of his coat, he watched the snow fall steadily like white rose petals.

  A chilly gust of wind swirled into his bones and made him shiver. He hated the winter. To him, the cold was equal to punishment and he’d had enough. Standing to go back inside, he noticed a little girl running down the sidewalk across the street. She looked to be ten or eleven years old. She was running with purpose, her bare feet hitting the dirty asphalt, wearing only a white nightdress, a Disney princess on the front. Her hair fluttered and whipped in the breeze across her young face from the force of the wind. A second later, he saw a mass of black and brown fur running in front of her.

  He blew out a troubled breath and shook his head. She was chasing a damn puppy.

  He was just about to turn away from her when he noticed the puppy change direction and head straight towards the road. The little girl, apparently not thinking twice, followed after him.

  His heart sank to his gut as he watched her run out into the street without even looking. He had taken exactly two steps in her direction when he heard tires screeching.

  His eyes opened wide with alarm.

  A red sports car was speeding down the road directly toward them. The car skidded and slipped on the icy asphalt as it tried to slow down.

  The boy swallowed the fear that rose in his throat, and without another thought, he ran, slipping twice, toward the girl with one goal in his mind – saving her life.

  He made it seconds before the car reached them. He wrapped his arms around her small frame and turned them around so he would be the one to receive the hardest blow.

  Not letting her get hurt was all the boy could think about.

  Falling on the gritty road, the boy groaned in pain, his head spinning. He ached everywhere.

  When the fog of what happened began to clear, he watched the driver continue on as if nothing had happened. The boy came to the conclusion that either the driver did not see them or he was an asshole.

  Probably the latter.

  When he cast his eyes downward, he noticed that the girl was sprawled across him, her body limp on top of him. Alarmed, he nudged her gently and asked, “Hey, kid. Are you okay?”

  The girl didn’t answer. He shook her again, more firmly this time. His heart pounded incessantly.

  Please God, let her be okay.

  He felt useless, helpless.

  What could a boy his age do? He was only seventeen after all.

  He rose cautiously, in case she was injured and sat up. He arranged her so she would be lying comfortably across his lap.

  Hidden between two cars on the side of the road, the boy touched her face – ever so lightly – and turned her head towards him to check for injuries. There was a cut above her eyebrow and another cut across her left cheek. He tucked his hand into the roots of her hair and probed gently. He sighed with relief when he didn’t feel or see any blood.

  The boy wanted to shout for help – to call his mother or his father – but he couldn’t move. He was afraid to leave her alone for even one second.

  He tore a piece of fabric from the edge of his black T-Shirt and gently cleaned the blood from the cuts. She looked so peaceful, lying with her eyes closed as if she was asleep and not in danger at all. He looked at her hard, hoping that some miracle would happen and the girl would open her eyes.

  And then she did, blinking a few times until her gaze locked on his.

  The boy couldn’t breathe. Her eyes were so green. They reminded him of the emerald gemstone his mother used to wear. The color was so vibrant against her dark skin, he couldn’t look away. Those are eyes I will remember forever.

  Not knowing where that thought came from, he cleared his dry throat and said, “Hey there sleeping beauty, you okay?”

  “Who are you?” the girl asked with a trembling voice.

  She was scared. The boy could understand that, although deep down it bothered him. He had hoped she wouldn’t be afraid of him.

  “It’s not important who I am right now. How do you feel? You got hit pretty hard.”

  “I-I’m...” She brought her hand up to her face and touched the wound that was still bleeding. When she saw the blood on her fingers, her eyes widened with fright. “What happened?”

  “You ran toward the road and almost got hit by a car. I had to do something.”

  “You saved me?”

  Warmth spread across his cheeks, and he knew that his face reflected the same heat that he felt simmering deep inside. Sheepishly, he said, “I did.”

  The beginning of a smile began to form on the girl’s face, but then her expression changed into one of pure terror, looking even more scared than she had a few seconds ago.

  “Where is Ace?” the girl screeched.

  Alarmed and confused, he looked frantically around him.

  What the hell was she talking about? Who was Ace?

  “Ace?” he asked.

  “Yes! Ace, my puppy! Where is he? He didn’t...”

  She covered her mouth, her eyes filling with tears. He was sure that any minute now she was going to cry.

  Realization suddenly dawned on him.

  Oh, Ace. The puppy she was chasing. With all that had happened, he had completely forgotten about the dog.

  A sense of guilt twisted his gut. How could he forget?

  “He was a gift from River,” she cried. “He would be mad at me in the sky.”

  She was talking in riddles and he didn’t understand a thing. But he gathered there was a guy named River who had given her the puppy, and he died.

  And now, he had lost her dog.

  What a clusterfuck.

  He imagined the worst. He began looking for the puppy fr
antically, his eyes jumping in every direction, while he shielded the girl’s eyes with his body by drawing her head against his shoulder and holding her in place when she tried to pull back.

  He didn’t see any trace of the dog on the asphalt.

  Thank god for small miracles.

  Then he heard a low wail. He searched around for the source of the noise until his head bent low, looking under the car on his right side. There, he saw the frightened puppy lying on the ground, shivering.

  “Found him!” he shouted while he delicately pulled her head back. Their eyes clashed and his heart clenched. “He’s safe,” he said in a whisper.

  “Really?”

  She looked at him with eyes full of hope, her feelings written across her face. The boy knew this puppy was very important to her.

  “Yes, let me bring him to you.”

  He helped her sit up and waited a few seconds to make sure she wasn’t dizzy. Once he was sure she was okay, he stood, and went to get the puppy out from under the car.

  After several failed attempts to lure the dog out by calling to him and even whistling, he reached for the puppy and pulled him out. The girl’s green eyes were bright and happy. The smile that had barely touched her lips a few minutes ago now found its way back to her mouth.

  Cut and bleeding, she was pretty. She will be such a beautiful girl when she grows up, the boy thought. He couldn’t help noticing. It was like she shined without even knowing it. He felt calm and serene just being near her. And that felt crazy.

  What was wrong with him?

  When he reached her, the girl stood with open arms. She took her pup from his hands, and then hugged the dog tightly to her heart, like a mother embracing her child.

  The fact that he literally held the reason for her happiness in his own hands, gave the boy tremendous joy.

  “Thank you,” she whispered.

  “Anytime.”

  But he was still worried about her. Although the blood had stopped flowing from the wound, she still looked pale and weak.

  “Um, are you sure you’re okay? Maybe I should tell my parents to take you to the hospital?”

  “No!” the girl shouted, her big eyes widening.

  That struck him as odd. “Where do you live?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  “And why is that?” he asked patiently.

  “You’re a stranger,” she told him. “My papa told me not to tell this stuff to strangers.”

  “I just saved your life. I’m not a stranger anymore.”

  “My Daddy told me a stranger would say stuff like that too.”

  What the hell?

  He just saved her life. Held her in his arms. Saved her dog. He wasn’t a stranger, damn it!

  “Okay,” the boy said slowly, trying to regain his composure. “But how can I get you home? I live there.” He pointed to his house across the street. “I can ask my parents to look at your wounds and clean them so they won’t become infected. They could take you home after if you want.”

  The boy rubbed the back of his neck. He didn’t want her to be afraid of him. She was just a kid. He also didn’t want to cause her more discomfort after she had almost died. All he wanted was to get her safely back to her house and return to his normal, boring life.

  “No, it’s okay,” she shook her head. “I need to go. Ace ran away and I chased him without telling my parents. They’ll be angry with me if they find out I ran away. They’re sad and I don’t want to make them even sadder. They can’t lose...” She took a deep breath and continued. “Could you keep what happened a secret? Please?”

  The girl brought her hands together in a prayer gesture while looking at him with eyes so trusting and scared, he had no choice but to nod in agreement.

  Who did they lose? Who is River?

  He had no idea how she was going to pull this off, looking cut up and bruised. Her parents would surely notice that she was injured.

  “Hold on. I’ll be right back.” The boy turned to run toward his house. He spun around and said, “Don’t go anywhere.”

  When the girl nodded and he was satisfied she wouldn’t disappear on him, he ran to his house, up the steps of the porch, opened the door and quietly went upstairs to the second floor bathroom. Once there, he opened the upper closet and pulled out a first aid kit. He took the supplies he needed: gauze, disinfectant, and a few bandage strips – put them in the pocket of his jeans, and then crept quietly outside without anyone seeing him.

  The boy mentally patted himself on the shoulder.

  He rushed toward the girl. When he saw her in the same position he had left her, standing with the puppy wrapped and protected in her arms, he felt a sense of happiness unfolding around his heart.

  He breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed.

  She didn’t leave.

  The boy walked tentatively toward the girl and pulled the supplies from his jeans pocket. “Let me sterilize the wounds and cover them. If someone asks you what happened, make something up and tell them you put the bandage strips on yourself. Got it?”

  The girl nodded and muttered, “No one would notice anyway.”

  He didn’t ask her what she meant even though the boy was dying to know what was going on with this mysterious girl.

  “Here, let me.” The boy reached out his hand, grasped the side of her face and tilted it up. He put a few drops of iodine above her eyebrow and patted them carefully with the gauze. Then he covered the wound with the bandage strip. He did the same thing to the wound on her cheek. When the boy finished, he clutched the leftover gauze and bandage wrappings in his hand and took a step back.

  The girl brought her hand to her face and brushed her fingers over the covered wounds.

  “Well...” he said.

  “Thank you for saving my life and not letting me die.”

  The boy laughed. He couldn’t help it. She was adorable. “You’re very welcome.”

  The boy patted the puppy, ruffled the girl’s hair and turned around to go home. He was tired and emotionally unsettled from the last few minutes. He had only taken two steps forward when he felt a strong impact hit him from behind. He almost lost his balance, but caught himself at the last moment. Then he felt the girl’s hands slip around his sides, hugging him. He felt her head rest across his lower back while her arms held him tightly. The boy closed his eyes and squeezed her hand.

  “Thank you,” she said softly. “River sent you to me from the sky. Thank you for saving me and Ace.”

  He felt a lump form in his throat. He wanted to say something, anything, but he didn’t know what to say. So he didn’t say a damn thing. He just held onto her tighter, standing in comforting silence.

  Then, when the time to part came, the girl slipped her hands away and ran back to where she’d come from – on the sidewalk this time. He watched her go until she disappeared from his sight, all the while fighting an internal battle: let her go or run after her.

  And do what?

  There was something about her. He didn’t understand the pull, yet something about her called to him. He felt drawn to her light.

  Was this some kind of big brother feeling, due to the fact she looked so alone, and needed protection? His protection? Or was it something more?

  He didn’t know. And maybe he never would.

  As the boy made his way home, he wasn’t aware of how significant this encounter with the girl would be or what places in his life this meeting would lead him.

  “Midway upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, for the straightforward pathway had been lost.”

  — Dante Alighieri

  The world crashed down on me like the ice cold waters of the Arctic. I was unable to breathe, but too numb to care.

  A tumor.

  Why him? Why us? He was my best friend, the bright sunlight that illuminated my world. I couldn’t picture my life without him.

  “Miss Maier?”

  I looked up at the doctor sitting in front of me. His lips were moving, but I couldn’t make sense of his words. I held my father’s hand tightly, afraid to let go even for a moment. I swallowed back the tears that wanted to escape and asked with a tremble in my voice, “Is it cancer?”

  “Without the biopsy test results I can’t say for sure.” He crossed his arms over his chest. “When we know exactly what we’re dealing with we’ll know how to proceed.” Looking me in the eyes, he said, “All we can do at the moment is wait.”